So, yesterday I had another epidural, I asked my doc to make my legs completely numb so that the pain would be totally gone, I got back from my epidural at 10pm and the relief was bliss, utter bliss.  I got back to bed and slept.  I woke at around 3am and called the nurse to help me to go to the loo.  I got up, took a step and then I fell because my legs were so weak.  I fell so hard, straight onto my bottom and lower back because I twisted as I fell to avoid hitting my head on the marble sink.  Ooooohhhhhh the pain, the complete and utter pain.

Just let me have some peace and some relief, please, please.....

Kittycat x

4am. Home, not hospital. Awake because of the pain and because of a bad dream and because of a huge argument I had with my husband before I went to bed.

his points :

1.  when is it all going to end?

2.  when will i decide that my back is better?

3. when will his money stop going down the drain?

4.  when will his life go back to normal, because he wants to go away on holiday?

i didn't really have a lot to say to any of that, because despite his therapy sessions, he's still so angry at me for putting him in this position that he blames me for all of it, he gets so angry with me, shouts, storms around, strops around, and shouts at me about how he feels and how all this is affecting him and his wallet.

not a thought there for how the children are fareing with all this, let alone what i actually feel, apart from pain.  so what can i say?  what ever i say he won't listen to, and he wonders why i put a brick wall up around myself.  so i stood there in silence, looking at the floor, at the same time seething and feeling horribly horribly guilty.  i do blame myself, i blame myself for getting us (note the use of us) into massive financial debt to pay the medical bills, i blame myself for not being around all the time to look after the children, even though when he's on duty all he does is let them play on the floor whilst he reads his newspaper, and if he can't read his fucking newspaper then all hell breaks loose because it borders on "his" time.  i blame myself for not being able to put a date on when my back is going to get fixed, i blame myself for not being able to be at work and bring money in right now in order to start paying back our loans because i'm in too much pain.  i took myself to bed last night, and again thought to myself, you know what, i try everything, even sex (although i'm in so much pain i can barely move) to comfort him, take his emotional pain away, help him to sleep and he still blames me for everything in his life.

i'm lost for words.  i thought to myself when i went to bed last night that i have enough drugs in my cupboard to be able to take most of them and quietly just slip away into nothingness.  Then my husband could have all the money in the world that he wanted, and could probably palm the kids off to my parents to look after so he could be young free and single again.  actually, that last part is a bit harsh, if i did die, he wouldn't do that, he'd take full responsibility for raising them and loving them because he does, but you see, they don't know how to cope with his moods, they wouldn't understand why their daddy would be screaming at them for something so little that they'd done wrong - it would be the straw that broke the camels back - and psychologically it would scar them, so i kind of have to stay around to protect them, even though sometimes when i feel like i do, it would be easier to just slip into nothing... either that or just find a younger fitter healthier woman that can love my children and give him a few more if he wants seeing as he refuses to get a vasectomy.

once again, after listening to the ranting and raving, he didn't ask me once how i felt, didn't apologise, nothing. at the moment xanga, you're the only one i can talk to about this, because i don't know who to talk to or where to start to what to say.  i'll place a bet on you though, right now, if i have to go back into hospital again next week to have another operation on my back, 100% certain my husband won't come or offer to come unless a. i ask him to specifically or b. it's a sunday and he wants to read the newspaper to he'll bring the kids to the hospital to i can play with them whilst he reads the paper / has a snooze.  i'd be willing to stake my non-existant fortune on it.

what was lovely last night / early this morning was that i caught up on FB chat with my old friend from university who's now living in LA, it was really really good to talk to him and he made me smile and laugh a lot.  they were good times we all had, all our friends, and sometimes i really miss them all.  i was also able to catch up on yahoo msngr with my best friend, which was much needed, as i miss her dearly and i love to hear about her new life.  sometimes i wish she were here, just to come and sit with me for a while whilst i am in hospital and give me a hug when i need it.

love ya, kittycat x

So, its 2.06 am.  I've been up since 5.30am.  I wonder if I'll make it 24 hours.  What a shocker, am so knackered but can't help tucking into the nutella.  Had to stop about 15 minutes ago it was making me feel sick, and I also thought that if I do try to go to bed then the sugar ain't gonna help, is it baby??!!!!

So, docs have finally figured out the problem.  I spent last Wed, Thurs, Fri and Sat in my docs office getting shots of valium and pethedine for the pain, motherfuck.  So here's the story in a nutshell, when I was 4 months pregs with Callum, I bent over Leini's pram and slipped a disc. Over the next month I did it twice more, the last time I trapped my sciatic nerve and was in so much pain I couldn't walk. Being preggers they couldn't do anything, except admit me into hospital, put me onto 24 hr a day morphine and wait until C was born. C was finally born in April 4 months later by C-section and poor little bub was born 3 weeks early and with terrible withdrawal symptoms from the morphine, but he's a strong little lovelove and pulled through within 2 days.
A week after I had C, I started the first of 15 operations on my back from April till June. So, 6 months later, I finally left hospital and was great for about 2 weeks until I fell over and ripped the disc. So, I was then re-admitted in excruciating pain and had major surgery, where they scraped out the disc, cut off some spinal bone, shoved it in and then stuck in a titanium cage and screws and screwed it all together. The spinal discs then fused. From July until October I had on and off pain and was re-admitted from time to time but the docs couldn't figure out what the prob was.
In November I started a full time job to start to pay off all the insurance bills from the medical expenses.
Beginning of January it all went horribly wrong again. I was re-admitted in excruciating pain, and they discovered the next disc up had also ripped open and the contents were leaking out. THey also discovered I have degenerative disc disease as well as a type of auto immune disease where my immune system is attacking the contents of the discs that rip open and it forms hundreds of thousands of nerve endings that all connect to the major spinal nervous system and cause all this excruciating pain that not even constant morphine can help with.
So, whilst I was in hospital in January I had another 6 operations, and we waiting to see if they've worked. If not, I go back in again in 2 weeks time for another one, and then if that doesn't work then I have to have another disc fusion, it's the only option as my immune system won't allow me to have any kind of tear in my spinal discs.
So, YEEEEEEHAHHHH, bring it on.  I'm just seriously PISSED off now about all this.  Am in so much pain I can't sleep.

Going to try.  Been up all night catching up with old friends which has been FAB!

Love ya, kittycat x